Lead­er­ship Can Be Pain­ful – But Are We Al­lowed to Talk About It?

“Sometimes, it is genuinely difficult to do the right thing.”

So says theologian and CBS Associate Professor Camilla Sløk, who has spent the past 15 years researching leadership and employees’ working lives. During that time, she has spoken with numerous leaders who have had to dismiss employees and defend decisions they did not always fully support, and she has seen the consequences this can have for organisations—and not least for the leaders themselves.

“Leaders have feelings too. As adults, we can be afraid as well, but it is a taboo subject. That is because the general perception is that once you have power, you must accept the responsibility that comes with it. You are expected to be able to withstand almost anything.”

Lilian Mogensen, Chair of the Board and former CEO of ATP and Udbetaling Danmark, agrees with Camilla. Drawing on many years of leadership experience, she has repeatedly had to make—and be accountable for—decisions with far-reaching consequences, from organisational relocations to major rounds of redundancies.

“What hurts the most is having to say goodbye to individuals whom I have seen work hard and do their very best, but whose talent simply was not enough to reach the next level. I slept badly the night before and spent a great deal of time wrestling with it,” she recalls, before adding:

“To me, there is no doubt that we talk too little about leaders as people and about leaders’ vulnerability, and about the fact that it can be lonely at the top. I have also asked myself: ‘How do I take care of myself?’”

Author and leadership adviser Christian Ørsted, whose books include Fatal Leadership and Fatal Transformations, does not believe that leadership itself is what causes pain. Rather, he argues, leadership determines whether an individual must carry difficult burdens alone or whether those burdens are shared.

“The media landscape tends to celebrate the heroic individual leader who has all the answers. But leadership is collective, social, and relational. A leader who does not receive support themselves cannot provide the support that others need. Good leadership enables us to carry more.”

The Rules of Cross-Pressure

The leadership task tends to be most painful when financial considerations collide with concern for people. Most workplaces have gone through reorganisations, downsizing, mergers, or relocations, and in such situations it is the leader who must not only communicate the decision but also take responsibility for it.

So how does one remain standing in that kind of cross-pressure? According to Lilian, the key is self-worth.

“In Jutland, we have a saying that your foundations must be solid. You need a strong foundation and a sense of self-worth,” says Lilian. “You must also make every effort to ensure that you have the right factual basis to stand on, and then you have to make a decision. And then you have to follow through, communicate that decision clearly, and explain the reasoning behind it.”

But if you ask Christian Ørsted, who primarily advises leadership teams, organisations themselves should be involved in determining how difficult challenges are solved.

“The leader’s role is not to find the answer within themselves. It is to mobilise the intelligence of the organisation. Difficult decisions become better when they are solved together with competent people who themselves take part in the process of understanding.”

Christian also points out that resistance is rarely caused by the decision to change itself, but rather by uncertainty about what is happening and what is expected of the people who must work with the change.

“What is controversial about a major round of redundancies is rarely the decision to make cuts itself. It is when no one can figure out what the rationale was. Why me and not him? That uncertainty also affects those who remain: What does it actually take to justify your place here?”

Based on Lilian’s experience, however, there are decisions that the CEO must handle alone together with the board and executive colleagues. But that does not mean employees cannot be invited into certain areas of uncertainty.

“When I make a decision that affects many people, I am clear about the reasons behind it. I am transparent about a certain degree of uncertainty—how we will implement it or what it will mean for some people. But I am not transparent about doubts I may have had along the way, because I do not believe that serves the organisation well.”

Based on her research, Camilla believes that it is difficult to avoid a certain degree of ambiguity when there is an asymmetry of knowledge. But regardless of how leaders navigate competing pressures, Camilla argues that there is one thing they must always remember: all eyes are on them.

“You can distinguish between leaders who are confused and forget that they are constantly being observed, and those who do not. Some simply forget that people need them and look to them for guidance. So leaders have to think carefully about all communication during times of crisis. They must remember that they are being observed, even when things are difficult.”

Know Yourself and Know Your Organisation

As a leader, it is impossible to avoid making decisions that come at a significant cost. But according to the experts, there are ways to approach those decisions with greater confidence.

Camilla, whose recent research has focused on the role that guilt, responsibility, and shame play in personal leadership, encourages leaders to prioritise themselves and to learn to live with a guilty conscience.

“Grundtvig said that human beings are a mystery to themselves. I think that is wonderful, because it means that throughout our lives we are engaged in a process of understanding who we are and why we do what we do. In that way, we can also learn to forgive ourselves. So I would recommend taking the time to get to know yourself. And remember to take time off, so that you can survive your work.”

Lilian agrees and adds that leaders must remember to find opportunities to recharge and find “a good conversation partner with whom you can discuss your doubts and reflect on the reasoning behind your decisions.”

For Christian Ørsted, building strong communities within organisations is essential.

“Care is relational, and under pressure it is often impossible to take care of oneself. We need to build communities in which we look after one another, both professionally and as human beings. And those communities must exist within the organisation, because that is where the necessary knowledge resides.”

When it comes to difficult leadership challenges under competing pressures, Christian argues that it is important to distinguish between the “what” and the “how” in conversations with employees.

“Uncertainty about what we need to do creates insecurity. Clarity about what and genuine influence over how we do it creates a sense of security. A leader who cannot make their intention crystal clear is simply not skilled enough. But responsibility for how should lie with the organisation.”